Hello queef!

Hey guys, sorry i haven't blogged for like ages - i forgot my password (like i said i probably would) and could't be bothered with the whole 'forgot your password aaaaayyyeeee?' shananagin. SO YEAH, howdy. How's life? How's your genitals? How are your pets? How are your family? Did you sort out the STI? Yeah, i really hope you did, was rather gross wasn't it? I certainly wouldn't like to go around showing people my willy if i had an STI. Well, i don't go around showing my STI free willy to randoms every day, but it would be worst diseased. You know what i really feel like? Dr Pepper. What a god. What a babe. Wow, my spelling seem to be rather drastic tonight.. I think that word didn't work correctly in that sentence either. Oh well, must just be one of those days. Like that day your nail broke and you dropped your irn bru? See, i know you well. Can read your mind. I am magic. I'm kidding i'm really not, but i'd love to be  a wizard and attend Hogwarts and spice it up a bit with funniness. I mean, come on, Harry has interesting adventurous but i'd have funny ones like drawing penis' on the moving pictures and see if they moved too. I'd also have a race with Dumbledore and Haggrid. I would also shave Haggrid's beard as it's rather ming. I think i would chuck a dragon at him to blow it off, not like a blow job, but like a firey blow. Oh lord i can't make this sound unrelated to sex, it's like an infection - adisease - an STI - a clit. WHy am i putting hyphins? Is that even how you spell 'hyphin'? Is that even a hyphin? Probably not but i'd appreciate you answering me, you hair muffin covered in satsuma jizz. I wonder if a fruit's ever had sex, or if someone's ever had sex dressed up as a fruit? That would be hilariously hysterical. Just like the size of your cock. Laugh out loud, aren't I a funny one. Not. Well i try, but i succeed in making some people laugh but some people find my sense of humour stupid, silly, immature etc but they can just lick my clit. Close your legs darling the fish is escaping. What an escopade. Is that a word? I don't know, but is it weird i've never eaten haggis and i'm Scottish? I'm sorry but i just hate the thought of what's in it. I can't be arsed blogging anymore tonight, mind blank. Catch you my favourite pineapples.

Happy Pancake Day Fanny Face!

Well hello there turnips, happy pancake day. I trust you've all been gobbling away gaining calories? Good. I'm glad. Well sorry for the lack of blogs recently, been revising for an Italian prelim, as it is my favourite subject! I think i've failed it though..whoops a daisy! I think it's raining outside. Better not bother doing my hair nicely if it's gonna be pissing it down. Back, sorry i forgot to say i was going for a sec. I went to look out the window then ate a bit of chocolate. Yummy indeed. I love dairy milk, it makes me rather horny. Nah kidding, but it is yummy. I love melting it then shoving my fingers in it and licking it off. I don't do it in a dirty sexual way though, i just like eating it. Nothing wrong with that aye? So how are you? What's on your mind? Anyone pissing you off? Anyone pissing on you? Anyone getting their clit out and pretending it can speak and making it shout in your face? Well i really hope not, as none of that would be pleasant in the slightest. I'm pregnant by the way, i thought my blog followers may be interested, you can name the baby if you want. I was thinking about calling it Fishy Fanny but i think it's against the Islamic religion or something so i guess I can't do that. Well i just made all of that shit up but oh wells, i enjoyed doing it. Oh, just if you were interested, i made a pancake fly today. It was truly facinating to watch. I really want to learn 'Dog Days Are Over' on my uke now, not learnt anything on the uke for ages. I fancy it. If it had a womb i would happily impregnate it. Mm, that'd would be a very musical child indeed. A mutated one at that too. Would probably get bullied.. Aww well i'd just slap it's bullies. Or set my aggresive urethra on it. Bet you never expected me to say that, eh? If so, you know me very well. And i'm impressed. Here's a gold star. Use it wisely. It may help you get into Oxford or sout lyk dat. I would hate to go to one of those big Universities, you have to be like good at sport and be good at work. It would be so ming. I'd never fit in. No one from there would understand the humnor put into my blog. They'd like see me write 'Scrotum' and say to themself "i did not realise this blog was about biology?". They'd get a slap. Imagine if the school had a naked day. Chaos. I'd also like to have a green house so i could innocently grow vegetables and fruit. Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? Did you know that a coconut is a seed? BET YOU DIDN'T! I'm going to skidaddle now, can't be arsed writing anymore. Speak soon my horny little devils, speak soon, if you speak to me first. <3

Non sono bravo!

Top of the evening babies. How are you? What you guys listening to? What's the hot jams? But yeah, hello again. I should be revising for music but i don't like it so nuh, no having it. This has been an odd week. I can't decide if it's been good or not.. either hasn't been or has been okay. Was back at school on monday, like i'm sure most of you were too. I've never been to subway. I don't really like school. There was a white substance on the floor today which i nearly stood on. Someone must have been waddling around with their legs open or something. I'm sure they weren't but yeah, it'd be fun to blame a slut for opening her legs. It'd be like 'MISS! *inserts name* just opened her legs!' So funny. Too funny. Like yer fanny. No i'm totally kidding, i'm sure you have an adorable vagina. Well, i've never said that before. Oh well, probably too much flutter tonging.. OH WELL NEVER MIND! A capella. I really can't revise right now, too much lady gaga on. She sounds nothing like those ming. gaelic psalm groups. Want to shoot them! Kidding i have no gun. Chill guys, seriously, tuck that scrotum right back in to where it belongs. King Kong is at our school. Crazy times. Morbid! I want some new glasses. I wouldn't suit life without my glasses i think, contacts aren't my thang! I think i'm due a new pair in June. Want to come and help me pick them? Well sorry, you're not invited, you've been to active with your urethra in the recent years. Man i could really do with some nachos. Well, i could always do with nachos. I mean, imagine life without nachos. Heartbreaking, it's be like life without knowing about Lily Allen's sex life. Actual crazy. Imagine if the world turned out to just be one of the testiis in God's scrotum, just blobbing around. Funny. I wish i could make an oven. Ovens are really good. They make me food. Well, they cook food. AND FOOD IS GOOD! Hehe, ryhme time. Gosh, did it again. I'M ON A ROLE! So many CAPITALS! I hate Hitler, he was a right dick. I think i would be a good Prime Minister. I'd try really hard to make people happy and also make sure you could get condoms and pads or tampons for free. Life would be better that way. I would quite like to write a rap song, it'd probably fail but worse things have happened. Like your parents failed condoms. Kidding, i'm sure they didn't wear a condom for an important reason - and that's reason is you! How does that make you feel? You are a reason! AND someone had sex for you! OHHHHH happy days. OHHHHH dr john! Mika is a babe, isn't he? I saw him live and got his signature, whoop! And i went to nandos. I will shoot you if you haven't been to nandos. It's like a Portugese heaven! Lots of sauce flying around, wraps wrapping yer penis. Imagine a rapping penis? That would be hilarious. I love cardigans, imagine a gang bang with cardigans, nandos and nachos? YAY! But that would probably just be classed as a threesome. OH WELL. I'm off. Sleep well, hope you get the crabs sorted out.

LONG TIME NO SEE!

Hey again guys, miss me? No? Oh well. I'm back though. I was on a hiatus i guess. Hehe, cool word hiatus isn't it? Or do you not know what it means? It means you've had an explosive period. Now tell that one to your English teacher. Unless you don't go to school, and you're someone i don't really know just looking at my blog? Ooo, freaky stuff. ANYWAY, yeah i decided to blog again. I haven't blogged for a while. Blogged. Mostly because no one really said anything about the last one i wrote, sad Calum. So make sure you tell me your views on this one so i can blog some more too. Tell everyone you know: friends, siblings, parents, grandparents, neighbours, pets etc... Anyone can enjoy reading about my life. Well, it isn't really about my life but more about life in general. The Temper Trap are well good. I've never used a well to fetch water, that so two centuries ago. Enough about me though. How are you? How was your February break? Urgh, life really doesn't need to deal with that 'r' after the 'b' in February. It's almost as pointless as giving Gok Wan the oppertunity to be straight. I don't even know if that's how you spell his name. Oh well. Shit happens. NAUGHTY. Sorry swearing isn't that nice. Either are hormones. They seem to just make every teen get upset, mean hormones. They also cause periods i think, and they certainly don't sound very pleasant! I love how i've managed to mention periods so far this blog. Period period period. I'msorry girls but i'm so happy I don't have to deal with them. It's also extremely unfair that you have to pay for tampons and pads, they should be given out for free. You get condom cards so why not period cards? They're more regular and you're more likely need them. I just had a wee break there. Stalked some Facebooks and what not. I wonder if i have any Facebook stalkers? Probably not, but it's quite an odd thought other people scrolling through your information. Gosh i sound like my dad! He deleted me as a friend on Facebook, the lovely man he is. Probably for the best though, don't want him reading any of my blogs about periods. That would be quite funny though. I can just imagine the expressions on their faces. AWK WHEEL. Ew, i have to take the dog for a walk so she doesn't shit in the house. Gross dog she is. She's almost three aswell! For god sake. Be right back. I'm not saying it was your fault, although you could've done more. BACK! It's freezing outside. The dog didn't even shit, it just pissed three times. Urgh.
I feel really fml because we're back at school tomorrow. Urgh, hate the place. I hate this blog too. It's so moody. Sorry guys, i'll write a nicer one some other time. I really like biscuits though. I really want some party rings, yum yum. Don't even bother thinking i mean i gaping hole ready to have something inserted into it. All I mean is i want a party ring. I'd also love some nachos. That's all for now, sorry for grossness. Hold on to your kite folks. I love ginger hyair. Ciao bellas and bellos.

Morning Cherubs.

Hey again. Fourth blog, whoop whoop! With Duck Sauce playing in the background. How inspiring. I love their name, duck sauce.. makes me hungry for  chinese takeaway. I love takeaways. Indian, Chinese, Italian etc.. They're all amazing! In the Spring i want to eat a Chinese on the grass outside and roll in it so i can be a spring roll. HAHA funny. Well not really but i want to try and make my readers laugh. I like making people laugh, laughing's good. A world without laughter would be sad but i'd get the giggles so i guess there's no way there could be a world with no laughter. Eww Nelly just came on on Spotify. He sounds like he's orgasminging at the start of one of his songs. OH OH OH! Silly Nelly, i prefer the song which is like 'Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus, off she went with her trumpity trump.. trump trump trump'. I don't think Nelly wrote or sung that though. That would be such a funny song if someone rapped it. Mmm, Mika. Much better. He would do a great job at singing a nursery rhyme. Deffo. Why am i talking about nursery rhymes though? Isn't Nelly the Elephant a song? Oh well. And i just noticed as the title i wrote 'Morning Cherubs' when it's actually the afternoon. WHOOPSY! Well anyway, good afternoon cherubs. Wow, i usually write my blogs when it's dark outside but it's light just now. Cools. It looks like God hasn't been using his head and shoulders shampoo and WHIPPED HIS HAIR BACK AND FORTH and got dandruff everywhere. Silly god! God rhymes with cod. I love how a video game about war and killing has been nicknamed a fish, i mean it's like people referring to World War  One as Salmon. NO ONE WOULD DO THAT! I hate fish too so even more reason to make a fush. It's too rubbery. And it's actual minging when it appears at a table with it's head still there with it's eyes buldging. Haha minging, i prefer to pronounce it as Minge-ing. Minge has to be one of the best words ever. But like most of you must know by now, i'll take any oppertunity to mention a genital in my writing. Brb lunch. BAck. Miss me? Probably not, you probably didn't take the fifteen minute break that i did. Oh wells, shit happens, life goes on. I won't kill myself. This time anyway . .  Guess what i had? A toasty and soup. Yummy! I bet you didn't take a guess though, bet you just read straight ahead. Fucking bitch. Sorry, bad Calum. I slapped myself on your behalf. I actually did though, not lying tae ya hen. Slapping is really funny though. It should be one of the ten (now eleven) commandments. 'Thou must slap a bitch'. That would be flippin' fantastic. I also had angel delight for lunch, double yum! Seriously, you don't understand how hard it has been not to put a smiley face into my writing, it's just so tempting! But i shall keep it neat. It would probably be kinder if there was some smiles though. Life would suck without smiling. Life would also suck without glasses. I wouldn't be able to write my blogs without them. I like having hair aswell. Ddon't even bother making a remark to yourself about pubic hair - i meant head hair. NAUGHTY! Aww wow I just noticed you can bolden words and put them in italics and also underline them. Shit, it's not letting me stop underlining the words. Fgs. Oh well, i guess i'll manage. Clit  hehe. I'm immature at times but you probably don't think i am immature in the slightest. But i guess being immature is acting like a child, and i'd be very surprised if an eight year old had the same obsession as me about the word clit. That would be pretty hilarious though. That's all for now. Hope it was an okay blog, i tried. Love you, well not you, but i love yer maw. Haha kidding, over used phrases are baaaaaaaad. Bah bah black sheep have you any wool? Naw fuck off. Right sozza, bye!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hey y'all, i'm back. Miss me? Probs not, oh well. I got some good feedback on my recent blogs (but one bad bit but oh well) but i thought i'd write more. Well look at the date? It's the fourteenth of February. VALENTINES! Whoop whoop! Not. I'm single. And i'm sure you are too if you're spending your valentines evening reading this rather than 'shaggin' yer bird'. But seriously, Valentines is sweet but it's all commercial, card companies must make so much money. Oh well, i'm probs just being a moody shit cause i'm single. HEY HO! But i spent a lovely valentines in Edinburgh. I pigged out in Edinburgh with some friends and also got a new man bag. I love man bags. Gok says they're very fashionable, so hey, Gok's never wrong. Talking about Gok, you'd never believe how funny it is convincing people that he is straight with children. It's surprising how many people believe me! But yeah, man bags are awesome. They must be fairly feminine though. I got called a girl by a shop assistant today, bitch. I mean i really don't think that i do like a women. I may have long hair but i'm all muscle.. Sarcasm. I'm flabby, wibble wobble wibble wobble jelly on a plate. Sozza, jelly out burst. Jelly isn't much like flab though. Oh great, i just remembered i put some jelly in the shopping trolley when shopping with my mum yesterday. Whoop whoop! Man, that has to be one of the funner things, putting weird things or yummy things into the trolley when your parents aren't looking. Everyone's done it at one point. My sister and I are really bad for it! But it means you know you've got something yummy to look forward to, even if it pisses your parents off. You've got to love shopping though. When i was younger i hated it but now at the age of fifteen i can't get enough of shopping. Whether it's for clothes, electronics or food it's always great! I got my new phone today, it's my fourth one of 2011. Shows how much shopping i do, eh? Or just shows i;m picky about phones. But everyone is picky about something i guess. I'm not sure what i'm picky about though.. phones i guess but, i'm sure there's something else. Oh well. I wonder what you're picky about? I also wonder if you're enjoying this blog? I hope you are, i'm finding it harder this time to write about stuff. I think it's because i'm watching Glee whilst i'm doing this. Now, i bet you either thought to yourself there 'Haha, Glee. How gay.' or 'Aww i was watching Glee too!'. I find it quite good actually, i didn't watch season one but i have watched all of this season. One series i have watched every episode of though is Friends. Gotta love Friend. It's hilarious! Chandler has to be my favourite though. I think Ross is boring. But people say i'm a bit like Ross? Great. I'm boring. Oh well. I didn't use to watch much TV, but now i watch loads. Not as much as some people though.. But i do watch a fair amount. I want to get a big TV in my room but i don't have the space, what a shame eh? My bed takes up a lot of the room. It's a double idea. Now no sexual ideas, NAUGHTY! I just love my space. Oh man, is it bad if a cute goes like black? Cause that's the colour the cut on my thumb has gone. Eww, i know. Just wondering cause no one in my family is that medically, i'll ask mum later though. Man i really want to dye my hair. I think i'm going to go black/brown. We'll see. I'm bored of m,y hair, it has like blonde highlights developing (nauturally btw, i'm not a chavvy hedgehog with bleached highlights, eww) and i want them gone. I've never dyed it before. Hope it goes okay! Wow, this blog has been going on for quite long now, and there hasn't been any mention of clits. Wow! Clit clit clit. There, this is more of a Calum blog now. Urgh, i think i'll stop here. I don't want it to drag on, which i'm sure it has. Hope it was entertaining though, i tried hard. Very hard. I didn't listen to music this time though.. i think it helped me last time though. Oh wells. Hope it was okay. By the way, i asked my mum why the cut went black... it's dead blood. LOVELY! See ya babes.